Cathy Johnson--Art, Life, and other Oddities : loss

Showing posts with label loss. Show all posts

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Inner Journeying, Dreaming, Loss, and the Subconscious Mind

It came to me in the night last night that our dreams are also part of the inner journey...of course that should be obvious, but I often forget my dreams on waking, or soon thereafter, and they don't seem to be particularly meaningful.

Beauty and The Beast...dear friend Dennis Miles and his beloved wife Gwen.

Last night I woke in the wee hours from a dream about a dear friend who died unexpectedly this winter. 20 years younger than me, he was a big man, strong as an ox, a blacksmith by trade. Tough, incredibly brave, outspoken, and mystical as an ancient smith of Faerie, I loved him for decades. A fellow reenactor, we often discussed history...or the foibles of "some folk"! He and Joseph hit it off, and it was a gift...they'd talk as often as we did.

He was there for me when my first husband died, he shared his own sorrows with me as he did with few others, he shared a laugh--or a recipe for pickles! He sent me an occasional small product of his hand--an herb cutter, a tiny knife, and more--and I did likewise--a miniature of his dog, a tiny dragon...

He had my back.

He was the best kind of friend...we accepted eachother's differences and respected them, and loved one another anyway.

In the dream, I had the opportunity to say a tearful goodbye, and share a last hug, which I did not have in life. One day, he was just gone. I had talked to him a few days before and he seemed fine...

I was in tears when I woke--I am in tears now--and I realized that I have never fully mourned his loss. Never really believed he was gone.

R.I.P., old friend. I miss you. I love you.

Monday, December 14, 2015

The Summer of Amazing Serendipity...

Fishing River Bridge

As many of you know, 2014 was rough for me...between two deaths in our family, one expected, one horribly not, plus travel, a mountain of work on the new book and my Sketchbook Skool stuff, I was drained and burnt out, just treading water trying to keep up. I tried to kick back, take care of myself, listen to myself and what my body needed...and what my spirit did.

We got a new holistic doctor who explored some of the health issues (yes, stress and depression CAN mimic heart problems--they are, rather, aren't they?), and that put some anxiety to rest. The elephant on my chest was named Grief, not angina.

I got an extension on my book deadline; that degree of Presence I just did not have, for business anyway. And slowly, slowly, I began to find my way back.

It was an incredible summer and fall, milder than it has been in ages. I'm not a summer person, after a bout with heat exhaustion some years ago, and heat and humidity can keep me indoors unless I'm up and out early. This year, Mother Nature smiled, beckoning to me...

My darling knight of a husband has always been incredibly supportive of my need to make art, pointing out things to sketch, never complaining, either sketching with me (rarely) or reading and napping while I worked...he knows I am not myself if I'm not sketching and journaling. I lose touch.

But still...you know how it is. You don't want to bore or inconvenience someone who is NOT as into it. You hurry. You do quick sketches, unfinished sketches.

And somehow know you need more...

Well, I'd always loved our yearly trips to the Ozarks, where he would fish and fish for 3 or 4 days and I would sketch my brains out, at Bennett Springs...but that was once or twice a year. The rest of the time I would do what I could...

This year, an amazing convergence of syncronicities happened. The mild summer, yes...but also he discovered warm water Tenkara fly fishing. It's a Japanese style, very simple, very minimal, very elegant...and he had to try it out.

And LOVED it. And I loved it!

There we were, every day almost, out there together, each doing what we loved most. He fished--he says that is as close to Zen as he gets, and he can concentrate for hours--and I made art, day after glorious day after amazing day, in the part of nature I love best, near trees and water and wildlife.